Mistari - a curse that has befallen some men (part 1)

'Kurusha mistari' (translation - vybing/hitting on a chiq) is the order of the day in some of the circles that I am surrounded by. Day by day I see many more men, fall and rise just cause of the lines they use to hit on chiqs. There are some peeps I know, up and down like chickens, they can’t settle in one place...always looking for chiqs to hit on.

It is a good thing and at times a bad and/or disadvantageous thing to 'tupa mistari'. this is one thing that can get you in a lot of beef, especially for those guys who cant help it, they were wired to have the smooth talk in their mouths and at times it is confused to be 'rushaing mistari'

As men we suffer a lot when our talk is confused to be something else...the way chiqs push for the various harassment bills and forming various camps, I think as men we should have a diction mis-understandment bill whereby a lady is charged for mis-understanding our diction and we should seek the registration of the MAWE (Men Against Women Empowerment) association.

But I must say the problem isn’t all theirs (the ladies I mean), sometimes as men we start fires that we can not extinguish, we light fires and fuel them with a bottle of petroleum while still holding the bottle...of course we end up burning ourselves. We have got to be aware of what we say...cleverly coining our words. This reminds me of an incident...the other day while at church listening to a sermon, a pal...James...is preaching. So here is James, away with his sermon and he goes on to narrate a story. So he says,

"...you know, we single men that have moved out of our parents home have issues. We don’t enjoy the good food any more, the chapos and all so we have to make friends with the mama's who have vibandas..."

Now note a few things, when James said "...we single men..." he was just relating to the fact that guys who aren't dating and
aren't married and are living alone bring along consequensces. James was talking about food and the adverese effects when living alone, as far as he was concerned...but woe unto to him some ladies weren’t thinking on that line. James placed himself in a predicament; you see he did not realize until later on, that he was advertising himself in public to over 200 chiqs. I always say kimbelembele (in-frontness) si kitu poa (is not a nice thing)! Never go ahead of yourself, but many times we fall into that trap. Mistari!!!...he he he...danger zone especially if you don’t know what you’re doing or better yet, not aware of what you are doing.

I am telling you as guys, wanting to come out looking like THE MAN...is a big mistake...at times, kujifanya we ndo mwanaume...isn’t the best of options. I think our ego plays a major role in this, what I mean is that mwanaume hujiamini sana and in simple terms a fish is caught by its mouth (literally). It starts innocently by a few words and being ‘the gentleman’ that you are charming and all. The lady folks too have a way of putting their guards up such that we put a lot of effort into winning over their trust, and then once they are won over the male folk have already lost interest.

Truly the thrill is in the chase and not necessarily the capture

Its amazing how these things tie the man up...the fact that you tupad those mistari's and the lady falls real hard, you are bound for life, but rarely do men realise that. Be careful of what comes out of your mouth kambla ujiweke ndani ya box!

...to be continued

Nairobi West aka WEO

kenya indeed is a beautiful country and i love it too death. the sceneries in some parts is to die for, and some of the cribs you see here, especially in Nairobi in certain estates like Runda, Garden Estate, Muthaiga and the likes...smart stuff. drifting away from the up-town sides, i bring stuff to our much beloved Nairobi West (aka Weo)....the bar central!

to be really honest, weo aint a bad place, close to tao (town), no need for a mathree (matatu - public means of transport) and nyam chom joints available and so on. i used live there some time back till i moved up-town (literally: my place is a couple of altitudes above sea level than tao) nyway weo is interesting whereby folks like, us up-town peeps that have never seen a CDF dormant, get to see this phenomenon first hand when cruising in weo.

there are a couple of things one must note about weo;

shoe budget high: why is this? looking at the 'roads'...well...they havent got much of a road. eg. jus recently i gav a pal...lets call them Weo-James...now Weo-James asks for cash for a soda, so being the gentleman that i am i helped Weo-James with cash to buy a soda. afew minutes later i see Weo-James with no soda but a brand new sole.

water consumption high: i really pity the weo folk who dont have no cars and work in offices where official dressing is the code of the day because, they constantly make a stop by the watchmans little house and brush their shoes. clothes constantly get worn out because they are always being washed...their colour never lasts long, its like washing a car with OMO ama salty ocean water.

road depletion: if you have ever wondered what an area that has a CDF that is not operational, weo is the place to go

your gym AWAY from gym: just wallking from your house to the bus-stop, the amount of portholes, okay thats an under-estimation they are more like craters, you end up walking in and out so its like going down a hill then coming back out

the other day walking through weo (man do i persevere) at about midday, i notice this guy driving past has his lights on, so am like okay...maybe he forgot then the car passes me and i see its a woman...then am like makes sense, they say women multitask but when it comes to driving????? anyway away from that, continuing my journey...another on coming car has the lights on and am like...eh whats not happenin? then i noticed, its getting abit harder for me to see...

it so happens that the road status causes alot of dust to rise making 13:00hrs look like 6am in Limuru...i have some pals who live there and man do i feel sorry on their behalf, one is constantly cleaning the house.

mucho love to all weo residents

Kenyan Music and Kenyan Celebs.....

Now since it seems that my colleague has set the bar very high, I feel heavily indebted to do just what he's done and blog on afew issues.

As we say here 'fungua roho yako ongea'
{in common english for our diaspora fans its Open up, speak!}....Now my beef starts with our very own Local music industry...its so local we don't have a common name for our own music we call it Genge and a variation of it is called Kapuka.....which for our diaspora fans is reggaeton with a kenyan touch!!! My problem majorly does not lay with the producers of the music but rather with the musicians or sorry the artists. Just to set the record straight I don't have issues with all of them but with afew.........let me break it down::

The Banjuka fellow |

This dude might probably be a one hit wonder considering the nonsense that he has put on the particular track!! How do you say that unaeka shida chini unainua mikono juu {putting your problems down and lifting up your hands}...kwani unainulia nani?? It does not make sense at all to me that we are putting our problems down, who are we leaving them for??? furthermore problems and issues have to be there thats what makes life LIFE!!! so deal with it!!! The worst thing is that this is such a big hit, we hear it everywhere from exhibitions in town to matatus! Speaking of the video...there is nothing so significant about it, apart from the fellow wearing some funny white stunnaz that he is constantly spotted with day or night! I even wonder if he sleeps with them...I think he's been nominated for an award at Kisima...let see if the young kids i.e. the high

school and college generation will vote for him(which i think they will).

Food guy |
Now this is another fellow who doesn't seem to know where his music is going, first he sings about meat {a.k.a manyake} with his counterpart.....coming to think of it, what happened to JOEL? Anyway our good former theological student/Actor/Musician/Celeb, sings songs that mainly dwell on food, and we are supposed to see the creativity in all this....with the meat song we were told that it was to sensitize us on AIDS {oh!really}, then he followed soon with a song on beans....oh my gosh...the video was whack too...I wonder what the story behind that song was????? anyway he followed soon with a collabo with some dude...but i cant remember what the song or the message. There is simply no end to this insanity...considering that this dude commands a following of sort! The Meat song was really a hit and was at one time almost banned for 'demeaning' women, which i thought was a stupid reason...considering what the female folk wear in Nairobi city these days...but since thats a topic for another day I will kill the food guy vibe right here!

King Pin |
OK! by now you should have realised whom am talking about........yes its the guy who had no location for a video shoot he just had to shoot in an elevetor and a staircase.......This brother right here might be talented and all but has no Lyrical content whatsoever....I wonder what people do when they buy his album {if he has one that is}. His music/songs comprise of fmales, females, females...and nuthing else....vunye umebenteba(what language is this)..sijui tera moss.....what is it??? We cant hear anything else apart from the physical features of a woman and common biology which children in class 4 have already explored???

---

In conclusion, the moral of this piece of literature is that we need to be more creative{& educative} in our music, and for heaven's sake tuimbe nyimbo za kujenga jamii......we need to preserve the coming generation! I dont want my kid to be ekaing shida chini na kubanjuka tuu, when they receive tonnes of homework!! Lets be more serious and stop listening and voting for sensless music that comes to the air waves.....oh yet maybe the genre should be called Club Bangers {as they are called}...since its only there where people don't really care what is playing, since the effects of alcohol and the likes are taking effect!

On a different note what is up with us kenyans hyping people who are almost famous???? am talking akina Dj CK(poor oldman...and not in the literal sense)...we cant say he's suffering midlife crisis can we!!! Akina Debora Sanaipei, I've never understood why she was ever famous....being a beauty queen doesn't make you a celeb, does it??? For example, who remember the Miss Kenya 2002....not many, majority of us (apart from a number the female folk) feel nuthin for these things!!Be careful what you listen to...labda ndo Kenya haiendelei mbele!

Until next time people....

::disclaimer::
we are all over watching so please if you find a story here is about you or your favourite personality/mentor, sorry but dont get mad at us...the truth must be told.

places i CANT live...

lemme just be frank with you, there are places i just cant live! a couple of guys who know me, know the first and only joint i will mention...........................EASTLANDS!!!

what?!! me stay in eastlands is a lie from the devil....maze if i ever find myself living there in the future, yaani i dont know what i can do.
how do you live in a place whereby it is cheaper to go home peak hour than other times. clearly in my view, parts of eastlands yes i agree are in nai, but there are other e.g. Donholm...
well, you say you live in nai, when going home, clearly you see a sign saying 'Kwaheri Nairobi' (translation - Bye Nairobi) and coming into tao you see a sign saying 'Karibu Nairobi' (translation welcome to Nairobi).

i have never seen a joint whereby you leave tao at 5pm by the time you get home its about 8pm...thats eastlands for you. to make it worse that aint a friday (or furahiday as some would call it), there is all over a sudden surge of vehicles cruising the streets of nai on friday.

i must say Pasaris (Miss Adopt-A-Life) has done some work of Jogoo Rd, its more light up than my estate but it was necessary...maze walking on those streets in eastlands is dangerous. one day a pal of mine, lets call him James came from class at about 7pm...walking home after shukaing a mathree he hears,

"kss kss, kijana, kuja hapa!" in shock he froze. the guys approached him....lets call them Akina James....so akina james approached him and were like,

"toa kila kitu" they pushed him to the wall nearby and started to peruse his pockets...removing his phone, wallet and all. here i am thinking, its 7pm...it aint late and am being mugged....Boss, Enyewe! that aint the life for me

i am reminded of Eric Wainina's song...Dunia Ina Mambo...he must have visted eastlands the week before he wrote that song


God Bless who can hack it..

Nuff Blessin's until next time - hpRep.1

'...communication and its bare necesities'

Well walking in the beautiful city of Nairobi has its pros and cons. It is amazing how the mobile phone industry has grown in Kenya, from the days when getting a phone line would cost you over 10,000KES to nowadays when it has come down to as low as 40KES. Phone prices dropping drastically and so on...

The telecommunication industry all over has made some big steps with alot of stuff available to the user (which is you)...yaani it has gotten to a point whereby you can hav a computer and a phone @ the same time (aka PDA Phone {like the one in the picture to the left}).

Several kenyans do not enjoy the luxury of having on of these PDA phones, in fact some of the gadgets carried around can not be shown in public...

I am reminded of this one incident, I was @ the office with hAtErZ pArAdIzE Rep no.2 (aka hp-Rep.2) and a pal of ours walks in . After catching up, it was time for a meeting we were to have. Seeing as we want to practice good broadroom ethics and we have no personal assistant who can answer our phones, we saw it prudent (meaning - careful and sensible; marked by sound judgment) to switch off our phones.

Water-Game Phenomenon
Now our pal...lets call him Water-Game James...is going to switch off his phone, apparently it was off??!!? So while placing it on the table I ask him,

"...have you switched off your phone?" he responds,

"...kwani! Sindio!!!!" translation for my diaspora readers - "....what do you mean! Yes!!!!"

Now, I really did not believe because while looking at the phone, I can see the wallpaper - normally when the phone is off all you see is a black screen - example in the photos below - note phone shown below is NOT James phone!

Angle 1 : Phone off

Angle 2: Phone On

From my point of view and according to the schooling I got, a switched off phone should look like or portray the characteristics that Angle 1 is showing.

What made me confused, James phone when switched off looks much like Angle 2????!!!!??? Yes,,,its true, I thought he was messing with me, but it is true...he has a permanent background. To make it even worse, the back drop for his phone aint anything to get happy about, for you Windows XP users, its the default wallpaper (aka Windows Bliss).

I had to grab the phone and hold it myself, switch it on and off to confirm truly that is the way it was wired. I was @ a lack of words, I truly lacked what to tell him...I was almost motivated to buy him a new phone, but it was beyond me.

This phone immediately reminded me of the gadgets we used as toys called water-games...where there was this plastic contraption and a part of it was filled with water and in the water were two spikes on the right and left and a couple of rings. On the body where two buttons to be push that caused a pressure in the water that pushed the rings up and the aim was to get all the rings in the spikes.


Ringtones Mentality
To think this was not enough, Water-Game James was in Limuru on another job and when his phone 'rang', someone that was with him turned fast and said,

"...ka ni ringtone unaweka kwa simu, weka kitu ya nguvu...si vitu zina lia ka sucess card" translation - "...if its a ringtone on your phone, put something sensible...not something that is sounding like a sucess-card"
NB: the sucess cards and/or christmas cards sent at times, some have a monophonic song within the card coming out of a puny speaker...making some irritating, stinging sound.

The other day while at lunch dudes phone rings, I could have sworn there were those christmas lights that come with music within the building. To think guys pride in these gadgets...

Its amazing the compe that is out there for ringtones and all, sometime back...a friend bought a Motorola L6, seeing this a huge upgrade from Nokia 3310...alot of stuff was possible e.g. loading mp3 ringtones etc. Now one evening while chatting with the wife, the wife's phone rings and the friend goes,

"...ALA! Bado simu yako ni hile ya green screen na monophonic ringtone! Angalia hi (bragging his new phone), colour screen, na ringtone ya strength" then his phone rings, the ringtone being the popular Gospel Fathers song, Fundi wa Mbao. "...sikia hio (dancing to the track)..eh!!!" translation - "...What! Your phone is those with the green screen and monphonic ringtone! Look at this, colour screen, with a serious ringtone" phone rings, "listen to that!!! Smart stuff!!!"

What do we learn from this?
Well to be honest I dont know what can be learnt out of this but i would say...please do get yourself a worth while phone, do not constrain yourselves to...

"...bora naeza recieve simu na tuma ma-text, niko sawa" translation - "...so long as I can recieve calls and send text messages, am cool"

Be carefull with the mobile gadget you carry around, it is important to carry some reasonable phones!



Keep Your Heads Up :: hpRep.1

...welcome to |hAtErZ pArAdIzE|

hi all,

welcome to the |hAtErZ pArAdIzE|.

Seeing as there is alot happening in our beloved Narobi City, alot has to be said...keep your eyes peeled


::disclaimer::
we are all over watching so please if you find a story here is about you, dont get mad at us...the truth must be told.